


The Hitchhiker

by chickadee333



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, jared leto - Fandom
Genre: 30STM - Freeform, Absurd Writing, Gen, Hipster Jesus, Hitchhiker, Hitchhiking, Is Jared Leto Real, Jared Christ Superstar, Jared Leto - Freeform, Jesus Jared, Jesus puns, Not Fake News, Not one wrinkle, Truck Driver Story, Trucker, Truth, Walk on Water, thirty seconds to mars - Freeform, truckstop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 01:19:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickadee333/pseuds/chickadee333
Summary: (aka Jared Leto is a Magical, Jesus-like Creature from a Far-Away Land)Set in April 2018, this story follows a truck driver named Frank as he picks up a hitchhiking Jared Leto (Jared Christ Superstar? Jesus Jared?), who is traveling to promote his band's new album. This story all but proves that Jared Leto is a supernatural being, possibly even the second coming of Christ himself! But who knows...Just hear Frank out and make the decision for yourself!





	The Hitchhiker

Not too long ago—just earlier this month, in fact—I met possibly the most amazing person on the entire planet. It was one of those encounters that leaves you speechless and dumbfounded in the way that you just sort of cock your head to the side after it’s all over, squint your eyes, consult a shrink, swallow some pills, and wonder if it actually happened.

Just a little about me: My name is Frank and I’m an over-the-road truck driver. Nothing too exciting happens in my humdrum life of being on the road hauling goods and making deliveries across the country—nothing exciting, that is, until I met a man named Jared Leto.

It was pretty cold out this one day when I was sitting at a truck stop somewhere in the Midwest just idling. I had gassed up my rig and was almost ready to hit the road when I saw this guy walking around with a determined look on his face while being followed by about a dozen people—with one of them holding a big camera.

This young man couldn’t have been more than 30 years old and looked _exactly_ like Jesus— _if_ Jesus were a modern-day hipster/surfer dude/rock star. He had long, flowing brown hair, which matched his lengthy beard, and was dressed in clothing that was pretty ridiculous as I looked at him from his head to his feet. If I had to describe his style, I would say that he subscribed to the “high-class hobo” look. He had on a dark blue winter jacket, followed by some red and black striped track pants, and a pair of red and white checkered shoes. I rolled my window down and asked him if he needed some help.

“Hey, buddy,” I said in my Midwestern accent as I leaned out of my open window. “You look a little lost.”

“Hey, man!” the guy yelled back at me with a huge smile on his face. “Where are you headed?”

I thought for a moment before answering as I typically didn’t pick up hitchhikers, but this guy seemed harmless enough. “I’m heading west—you need a lift?”

“Yeah, man, I’d love it!” he exclaimed as he took off his glasses and closed his eyes before vanishing from thin air. Like, right in front of me. He vanished from thin fucking air. How was that even possible?

“This is great!” he said, his voice emanating from my right as he clicked his seatbelt into place. “I’ve never actually been in a big truck before.”

My head whipped over to look at him now relaxing comfortably in my passenger seat with his legs crossed while wearing the same big smile on his face.

“How did you... What the... What just happened there?” I asked as I looked outside and back to the young man in my cab. I quickly rolled up my window to prevent the cold, outside air from filling the truck before reaching out and touching the newcomer on his jacketed forearm. “You were... and now you’re...”

“Oh, no worries, man. It’s just a little trick I learned being on the road so much and literally having to be two places at once,” he responded as if it were nothing. “I hate to ask, but I am parched... Would you happen to have any water?”

“Y-yeah,” I said as I stared at this apparent supernatural being sitting in my cab. “I have a whole bunch tucked under my bed in the back.”

The man leaned out into the wide space between us as I continued to idle in the lot. I was already a little late in leaving and there was no way I’d get to my destination on time. I wasn’t even sure if I would make it at all at this point as I was certain it would take a while to get over the shock my new guest gave me.

“Ah, I see them,” I heard him say, fully expecting him to undo his seatbelt and traverse the short distance to the back of the cab. Instead, he held out his hand and a bottle of water literally flew into it, like someone had thrown it to him. He opened it up and took a sip.

I could not close my mouth that had fallen open as I stared at my new passenger. “How... How did you... That water was in the back... and you didn’t get up...” I couldn’t wrap my mind around what just happened.

“Oh, I’m sorry, man—did you want me to get you one, too?” he asked as he held up his other hand.

 _SHUNK_! The bottle hit his hand with quite a force after flying through the air. The plastic crackled as he gripped it and handed it over to me.

“Mmm, I’m in the mood for a little pinot or maybe merlot...” he said as he took a swig of clear liquid from his bottle and started to swirl the water around, making a little eddy inside.

“I... uh... I don’t have any alcoholic beverages in the cab,” I told him in a regretful tone as he looked up and winked at me. His eyes were blue, but not just any blue. It was like looking into two glowing orbs made of blue topaz—like I could just pluck them from his face and I’d have two perfect gemstones in my hand. He smiled widely, revealing every single perfect white tooth—as if they were personally handcrafted by Michelangelo himself—while looking down at the bottle as he created a little hurricane of water inside. Light literally shot out of his glowing turquoise eyes and into the water, which soon turned from clear to a blood red.

“What the fuck!” I yelled out as the water changed colors right before my eyes.

“Ah!” he exclaimed as he looked up, his eyes no longer glowing. “Here we go!” He removed the lid and took a sip before tilting his head back and smacking his tongue in his mouth. “It’s a little on the dry side, but it will work. You want me to make some for you?”

I sat and stared at this person beside me whose existence could only be explained as the second coming of Christ. My mouth hung open as I unconsciously handed the bottle back to him, still gazing at his beautiful face framed by a flawless brown mane.

“Oh, shoot,” I heard him say as he took the bottle from me. I was still in shock and hadn’t noticed what was going on. I made a concerted effort to pull my eyes from the gleaming topaz gemstones set perfectly within his eye sockets to notice that he was now holding a bottle made of gold. Fucking gold.

“I’m sorry, that just happens sometimes,” he said sheepishly as he pressed his lips together and held the bottle loosely in his hand.

“You... you...” I stammered, not quite able to gather my words or even my thoughts. “You turned... my bottle... of water... into gold?”

“Yeah, so sorry, man. Sometimes I can’t control it...” he said humbly.

“Things you touch... turn to gold?” I asked not quite understanding what the fuck just happened.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t mean to, but it just happens...” he explained as he placed the now heavy metallic bottle onto the floor.

There was a long silence as I stared at the man who telekinetically retrieved yet another bottle of water with a _SHUNK_ and turned it into what was evidently wine. He handed it over to me and I automatically reached out my hand to take it as I continued to stare at his face. I couldn’t stop staring at him. I accidentally touched his bare skin in the exchange and nearly dropped the bottle as result of the electrical shock—a literal electrical shock when my fingers touched his.

“Ow!” I yelled out as I placed the bottle between my legs and pulled my hand up to my chest. I looked down at the location where his fingers touched mine and my skin started to glow. “What... what the hell is going on?” I asked in a slight panic as I looked over at the man.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “it’s just this thing sometimes that happens when I touch people... I just kind of heal stuff, I guess.”

There was a slight tremor in my hand, which quickly spread up my arm and into my chest. “Uh... I... what... what is happening...” I said as my voice began to shake. I watched the skin on my arm begin to tighten and become smooth as I felt the energy from his touch snake its way up my neck and to my face. “Hhh-nnnnggggg...” I managed to grunt as I pulled my visor down to access the mirror. Being in my 50s, I have a fair number of wrinkles around my eyes as well as salt and pepper hair. Well, no longer! The fire rumbled over my skin like it was zapping away everything that made me feel old. No more wrinkles, no more gray hairs, no more saggy skin!

“How... what is going on?” I asked. “Who are you?” I looked at my mystery passenger and back to my reflection in the mirror. My hair was now dark brown again as it had been in my younger days and I looked like I was in my 30s.

“My name is Jared—Jared Leto,” he said as he pulled a vibrating cell phone from the pocket of his jacket. “Pardon me for just _one_ moment...” He pressed a button on his phone and held it up to his ear. “Hey, John... How are things? Good, good... Hey, can you do me a favor? Make sure you tell Matthew, Mark, and Luke to be totally honest with their article. I’m fine with the publicity—I just want it to be real. You know I’ve been _crucified_ by the media before, so it’s no biggie... Yeah, I met them in Bethlehem... Yes, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you soon.”

I stared over at Jared—his alabaster skin absolutely perfect without a single wrinkle or blemish and his brown hair long and shiny without one gray hair—and took a deep breath. He was clearly Jesus. Jesus Jared. There was no other explanation.

“Who... who was that?” I asked, being far too intrusive of the man’s privacy—a man I just met ten minutes ago.

“Oh, that was my publicist,” he said off-handedly. “I just had an interview with a few men over Easter when I _resurrected_ this old idea of mine to hitchhike across America to promote my band’s latest album.”

“I see,” I said, still staring at Jesus Jared. “Would I know any of the songs?”

“Maybe... We have a new song called _Walk On Water_ ,” he replied as he pushed a perfect hand through his perfect hair while looking at me with his perfect eyeballs and crossing his perfect legs.

“ _Walk On Water_... of course _you_ would have a song titled _Walk On Water..._ You know that Jesus walked on... Never mind...” I half mumbled the last part to a grinning Jesus Jared as I opened my bottle of wine and took a swig. “Mmm! This... this is pretty _god damn_ good!” I exclaimed as the man opened his eyes wide. “I’m sorry, so sorry... I mean this is so _darn_ good, by golly!”

Jesus Jared smiled as he looked upon me with what felt like great love.

“My name’s Frank, by the way,” I said as I put the cap back on my bottle.

“I know, Frank,” Jesus Jared replied with a little smirk. “I’ve always known...”

“Of course,” I said as I shook my head up and down slowly while pursing my lips and looking outside. I looked over at the man whose head was now glowing in a warm golden yellow color, calm like a morning sunrise. “Um... your head... it’s glowing...”

“Oh, I’m sorry man... Do you have a tissue? I always glow just before I sneeze,” he said, his face becoming contorted as he tried to hold in a sneeze. I quickly reached into the console below my dashboard and pulled out a box of tissues, handing it to him just as he could no longer hold back the pressure of his impending nasal explosion. “Ahhh-chooooo!” he practically yelled in the small cab of my truck as a literal rainbow escaped his nose and mouth. A literal god damned rainbow.

“What the hell, Jared?!?” I asked as I was hit with a spray of tiny clear droplets. They were hard and shiny, like I was misted with little booger bullets.

“Ahhh-chooooo!” he sneezed again, filling the cab once more with the light of a gorgeous rainbow, which was stopped by the tissue that he quickly brought to his face.

I looked in my lap and on the floor, reaching down to pick up one of the little items that flew out of his face with the rainbow. “Are these... Are these... _diamonds_?” I asked incredulously, the mere thought of which made me think I would need to be hospitalized for a mental health disorder. These couldn’t possibly be diamonds. Motherfucking diamonds. How was this even possible?

“Gosh, man, I’m so sorry,” Jesus Jared said contritely as he held open his tissue, now overflowing with dozens and dozens diamonds. “I hate when this happens...”

“You _hate_... sneezing rainbows and diamonds?” I asked with a look of utter shock.

“Oh, again, I’m so incredibly sorry... I didn’t mean to use such strong language,” he said as he wrapped up his used tissue within another tissue and placed it in a cup holder.

“Strong language?” I was truly confused, which was nothing new during an encounter that was already full of confusion.

“Yeah, my friend, I used the word _hate_. I’m trying to _cross_ those words out of my vocabulary,” he explained. “Anyway, the sneezing is one thing but just imagine what happens when it comes out the other end...”

“Right... Right...” I responded, my head suddenly full of images of Jesus Jared sitting on a toilet and shitting a solid rainbow or plopping a huge diamond dump into the water. “Wait... what _does_ happen?”

“Well, I’m a songwriter, and when I, you know, _pass gas,_ it’s in the form of a song—complete with verse, bridge, chorus, and middle eights. Sometimes, on a really good day, it might include percussion and backing instruments,” he said casually, as if everyone just fucking farts songs.

“I see,” I said, trying to seem laid-back when all I wanted to do was find some beans for the man to eat. I needed to hear this man fart a song for me. I’ve already seen him sneeze a fucking rainbow with diamond booger rain, why not a fart a song? “Well... what happens when you have to... you know... go _number two_?” I was now trying really hard to not swear around him since he seemed to be very sensitive to that kind of language.

Jesus Jared stroked his beard and looked out into the parking lot as the snowflakes whipped past the window. “Hm... let’s just say that it’s strong enough to power a little time machine that I hand-built myself out of yogurt cups and old phone books... Would you like to attend Woodstock in 1969, Frank? Or see what the Earth looked like during the time of the dinosaurs? Because I can make it happen for you,” he said, his eyes sparkling as he removed a diamond from his beard and dropped it into the cup holder.

“ _Holy_ _shit_...” I replied.

“ _Exactly_.”

I continued to stare at the man seated next to me, as if I hadn’t stared at him enough already. I was fairly certain that not only was he a magical, Jesus-like creature from a far-away land, but he was also the most beautiful person to ever have existed in the entire fucking universe. Ever. He could teleport himself, move objects with his mind, turn water into wine, turn items into gold, heal through touch, sneeze rainbows and diamonds, fart Top 40 hits, and shit fuel that powers a time machine... He had perfect, shining hair that glowed with the radiance of a morning sunrise. His blue eyes were literal fucking gemstones made of light. And not a single wrinkle existed on his gorgeous fucking face. How was this even fucking possibly possible? _Fuck_!

“Well,” I said as I swallowed hard, trying to gather my thoughts. He was clearly a busy man with a tight schedule and I didn’t want to keep him with little ole me—a _Mr. Nobody_ —for any longer than I should. “What do you think? Should we, uh, hit the road?”

Jesus Jared turned to me and nestled his aviator frames on his face before pulling them slightly down the bridge of his perfectly sculpted nose. His crystal eyes began to glow again as a devious smile traveled across his lips.

“Roads?” he asked as the truck lurched forward and lifted off the ground. “Where we’re going, we don’t need _roads_...”

“What the f—” I began to say as the truck abruptly flew into the air. I grabbed onto the ledge of my door and watched the people and vehicles below us grow smaller and smaller as we floated up into the snow-filled sky.

We spent the rest of the afternoon soaring in the sunlight above the clouds as we made our way westward. There was a man on a beanstalk waving to us as well as a herd of unicorns galloping toward the sunset. A few fairies even stopped by and cleaned the moisture off of my windshield as they whistled and buzzed around the truck. At one point during our journey, I heard the most gorgeous song ever to pass through my eardrums. I was not worthy of such an incredible sound. A lovely scent of roses, lilac, and jasmine filled the cab as I looked over at Jesus Jared.

“Oops, so sorry,” Jesus Jared said as he brought a hand up to cover his mouth while a guilty look crossed over his face. “I guess I had too many vegan pancakes for breakfast this morning!”

And that, my friends, is my story of meeting a hitchhiking Jared Leto. Absolutely true. 100%. None of this has been fabricated. At all. This is not fake news.

Now, if you will excuse me, the nurse is telling me that it’s time for my medication! Take care and be sure to think twice before picking up any hitchhikers!

*****

THE END


End file.
